Posted by: Amber @ NotMommy | April 27, 2011

I Quit!

I’ve been a smoker most of my adult life. I kinda sorta smoked as a teen, then started for real when I was 18. I wanted to lose weight HA! Somewhere along the line I got hooked and smoked up until I found out I was pregnant. Sure I’d quit once in a while. I’d only smoke a few a day, or sometimes just one….but I don’t think I ever quit for more than a few days.

When I got pregnant I couldn’t stand the smell. I couldn’t really stand the smell of anything, but cigarette smoke was terrible! I was convinced that since it was so easy to quit that time that I would be able to do it for good. When the babe came 10 weeks early and spent the first month and change of her life in the NICU there was no way I would smoke. I had to go visit her every day. I didn’t even think about starting, no matter how stressful, it just didn’t come up. It was like I was still pregnant, I was still her lifeline, she needed me to be smoke free. Even when she came home and it was tough; no sleep, constant pumping or nursing, new parent syndrome…all that jazz…still no smoking.

It wasn’t until a few months after we brought the babe home that I caved. You see my mother was visiting…hahaha…you see where this is going. I love my mom, but she drives me batty. I’m sure most people can say that. I was also dealing with some delayed onset PPD and my shrink was making me feel worse about myself. That, with all the other stress, did me in. I demanded that a pack of cigarettes find their way back to our house on the boy’s way home from work. I had no idea that would be the end of things….the long spiral back to addiction.

When I did smoke I always made sure to be as careful as possible (and as hidden….it was a pretty dark secret I tried to keep from many people). I didn’t want any kind of secondhand smoke around my daughter…or 3rd. I would wear a “smoking jacket” even if it was 100 degrees out. I sometimes even a glove LOL. I tied my hair back and tried to keep the smoke away from me, errr? Hands were scrubbed as soon as I was done, mouth was rinsed out with Listerine, and face was washed. I had this whole procedure down…and it stayed that way for 2 years. I never smoked anywhere near my daughter and I was always paranoid that I wasn’t doing enough to keep her safe (ya know, other than just quitting). It was all too much.

I’d also become a smoker that despised the smell of it. I’m sure I still smelled, at least a little bit, but people who did nothing to clean or mask the stench drove me up the wall. If someone was visiting that smelled like a freshly smoked cigarette I wanted to vomit. Worse were the ones that smelled like stale ones. I couldn’t deal with the idea that I smelled like that. It was time to quit.

When I quit for my baby it was out of love and necessity. This time I’m doing it for me…because I made the decision it was time. No one had to talk me into it, no one had to push or harass, I just wanted to be done. I decided to try Chantix. I’ve had friends who had great success with it and found out my insurance covered the Rx 100% so there was nothing to lose. Hell, even if I had to pay for it…it would have saved me money in the long run if it worked. And it DID work. My first prep week of smoking and taking the meds were riddled with weird dreams and the feeling that smoking was now a chore. I didn’t feel like I was getting a break from life…standing outside with my cigarette…it felt like work. My brain was no longer being flooded with dopamine every time I enhaled…there was nothing pleasurable about the action.

Since my quit date of April 1st (NOT an April Fools joke LOL) I haven’t had a cigarette. Not a puff! Sure, there have been cravings but they passed. The first few days were the hardest as the nicotine worked its way out of my system. It’s been almost a month and I’m absolutely thrilled. I’ve saved a little over $100 already and can’t wait to celebrate with a Spa Day. My skin feels better so now it’s time to pamper it :-)

I hope I never smoke again. Sure I’m a little sad to think I can never have a cigarette ever again. I’ve had my little stinky buddies around for most of the past 14 years. That said, I want to live a long healthy life with my family and I want to be a good example for my daughter. I also don’t want to stink like that ever again!

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Responses

  1. That is AWESOME! First, I had no idea you smoked. This is a guilty pleasure for me that I drift in and out of, and am very lucky to say that I’ve never had a real addiction to it. Right now, I’m uber stressed with school, so there has been more cigarettes, but normally it’s a very occasional thing. You will be a very good example to your daughter when you quit for good. My mom also smoked up until the day she found out she was preggo with me. I totally respect the fact that she quit cold turkey and has never looked back. When I was younger, though, I thought that she just quit smoking way before I came along; it was only recently that I learned that I forced her to quit. :) Great job! You rock!

    • I’m honestly kind of sad to think that I can never smoke again. I know it’s terrible for me, but I feel like it’s a good time treat LOL like a beer. Yeah, stupid stupid…but still crosses my mind from time to time!

      • Nope, I totally understand that. For sure.

        • I am happy about quitting though. I no longer have that dirty feeling.


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