Posted by: Amber @ NotMommy | March 23, 2010

Anti Depressant

I’ve always been a depressed person.  From as far back as I can remember I’ve “wished I was never born”.  I’ve been in and out of therapy, on and off of drugs, for many many years.  My brain just doesn’t work right.  I lack coping skills.  I don’t know how to deal with disappointment.

Weirdly enough, during this past year I’ve felt “normal”.  That’s not to say I didn’t suffer from some postpartum depression.  Well, really, it was anxiety and a little PTSD from childbirth.   After Alexa came home, I was sure she was dead every time she was quiet.  I actually liked it when she cried if I was out of the room.  If she’s crying, she’s breathing.  I still have bouts of anxiety issues, but nothing uncontrollable.

Though, like I said, I’ve felt normal for the most part ever since I’ve had Alexa in my life.  I think she’s given my life a sense of meaning.  I believe that she gave me something to live for, something to look forward to.

Peter and I have fought on many different occasions about my lack of drive, my lack of lifelong goals.  The fact that I can barely fathom tomorrow, let alone 10 years from now.  I feel guilty because I haven’t really clued him in lately, but I do have goals now, I do have drive and dreams.

I yearn to raise a daughter who loves life…and that gives me the hope I need to enjoy it myself.



  1. I really feel for you… Depression is such a horrible black cloud to be under! I don’t think I know anyone who hasn’t suffered from it and some stage! I had a bad dose about 10 years ago…and still have little episodes every now and again! It’s amazing how a little baby can change your life around for the better! I am so glad that Alexa has given you life and something to look forward to… my litle Max has done that for me too! :)
    .-= Lx´s last blog ..Manic Monday =-.

    • It is horrible. I’ve had some scary bouts of it. Ended up signing myself into a hospital twice (once 10 years ago, once again the spring before Alexa was conceived). This is the first time in my life that it hasn’t been “all about me”, and I think it’s just what I needed!

  2. I hear ya mama! I’ve had anxiety and depression as far back as I can remember. I was doing really good up until I got pregnant, then the mood swings began. It was pretty much known that I would get PPD because of all the underlying factors and stressors so I started taking meds right away.
    It’s been an uphill battle.
    Elijah is the one thing that holds me together! It’s amazing what your baby can do for you. I never want to leave him, he’s the reason I am trying so hard.
    I’m not sure my meds are working for me right now. I just upped the dosage so I guess we’ll see!

    • I really thought I would escape PPD. I have no idea why I was deluding myself. I am shocked, however, at how little I stress about my own head now. Though, to be honest, projects keep me sane…and a baby/child is like a never ending project :-)

  3. I haven’t struggled with it my entire life like you have, but I was clinically depressed when Julian was 2, and I know how awful it is, how crippling it feels. And I compleeeeetely understand being scared when she’s quiet. Even though Audrey’s sleeping a little more now, I’m up all night just checking to see if she’s breathing. I’m paranoid as hell about it, and I wish I could stop.

    It’s really great to hear that having Alexa has helped you.
    .-= Allison´s last blog ..leprechaun trap =-.

    • Oh Allison, I had no idea you dealt with this..and with a toddler no less! Did it have anything to do with you choosing to go GF?

  4. Big hugs to you. As you know I have lived with depression for a long time so I understand where you are coming from. I so badly don’t want my son to have this that everything I do is about keeping him an attached happy boy. In the begining I was so concerened about it that I became too involved, YKWIM. It’s been hard to find a happy balance but I think I have.

    N has brought more joy to my life than anything else but it also has been the hardest period in my life.
    .-= Treacy´s last blog ..beautiful blogger award =-.

    • Oh boy, this has been one of the hardest years of my life. It’s just that…I’m not worried about myself anymore, ya know? Now I have a whole new person to stress about, ha!

  5. I could have written this post myself. Glad to hear you are doing better ((hugs))
    .-= mrs.notouching´s last blog ..Idiot’s Guide to Finding Mommy Friends =-.

    • If you could have written this then you must be doing better too! ((hugs)) for both of us and thank you :-)

  6. I think they call it status stress – this idea that in order to be happy you have to be the best at something, achieve your dreams and goals. And while that might bring happiness to many people – for some of us we’re just happy with a relatively simple life.
    .-= Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..The Non Comformist =-.

    • A simple life is all I want. I mean, I love the idea of having it all…but I don’t think I’d know what to do with it if I did.

      I’m a home body that’s not huge on going out and doing a 100000 different things. My hobbies are mostly online or in books.

      I miss the joy I found from all things domestic though. I need to get that back. I used to LOVE cleaning and organizing (hence my old career), but I lost the spark somewhere. Maybe I can get that back soon!

  7. Aww. It must be amazing how a new life can add meaning to yours. I’ve heard the same story from so many moms. :)
    .-= Danielle´s last blog ..Healthy revolution =-.

  8. I really could have written this EXACT post. Big hug to you!! You’re not alone, mama!! :)
    .-= Allison Zapata´s last blog ..Anything you can do, I can do better…. =-.

    • Thanks for the support! It’s weird how something that makes some people absolutely crazy made me normal!

  9. I know what you mean. This has been my whole life, also. I’ll follow you, because it seems we’re in the minority, and people think that if you present a happy face, or try to stay funny with your writing, then you can’t really be depressed. It reminds, of “laugh, clown, laugh,” you know?

    Anyway, sorry you have such blue periods, too, but I’m right there with you.

    Thank you for your honesty.

    • It’s hard to get past the online facade we put on. Not that I necessarily put on a happy face here, I still make jokes about whatever issues I’m going through. Though…these days I’m more able to see the funny/happy side of things, so that’s good!

  10. You know what’s funny, I used to have lifelong goals (about career, etc) AND minor depression. Now my goals are much more in line with yours, my life is simplified, and for the most part I am much happier!
    I’m glad you are feeling better – depression sucks.
    .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Big B, Little B, What Begins with B? =-.

    • I still feel twinges of depression once in a while. Though, like you, having life simplified has helped immensely.

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