Posted by: Amber @ NotMommy | August 9, 2009

Failed Again

It seems that my breastfeeding journey has come to an end. I’m not producing anything these days. I feel like my body has failed me, and Alexa, yet again. What I thought was gas problems, or teething, or just a 5 month old’s distractibility…turned out to be a low milk supply.

The past week Alexa has been really fussy, not nursing well at all. Today it finally occurred to me that my boobs haven’t felt full in some time now. I was out of the house for about 4 hours yesterday and I felt nothing. Usually, if more than 3 hours goes by, I feel “full”. The past week, after her night feeding when she goes down for about 4 hours….I’ve felt nothing when she wakes up to feed. No pressure, no slight pain from engorement…nothing.

Today I tried to pump because she has barely nursed worth a damn. I got mere drops. Normally I’ll at least get a half ounce (I’ve never been able to pump more than an ounce in a 45 minute session). This time I was on full suction….and nothing came out of the right side (my good side), and just a few drops came out of the left. I then tried to hand express…which always yields better results than the machine…and all I got was droplets. I’ve been able to spray across the room in previous weeks and now I just got a sad little pool of milk on the end of my nipple.

I’m not sure if this has anything to do with the fact that I finally weaned myself from the fenugreek….or the withdrawal that I’m experiencing from stopping Zoloft. Whatever the case, I CANNOT put myself through the process of re-lactating again.

I feel like we were doomed from the start. For those of you who haven’t read my initial breastfeeding story, click here. You’ll see how hard it was from the start….and understand, I hope, why I just don’t have it in me to do it again.

We’ve had 5.5 months. Two of which were pure hell, and the last 3.5 were lovely. I’m thankful I was able to give my baby girl the good stuff for so long. Trust me, I’m torn to pieces about this. I hate it. I hate that yet another one of my ideals has been crushed.

I hope to at least provide Alexa with comfort nursing for a bit longer, but I guess we’ll have to see how she feels about that. The night time ritual of nursing her down is still going well. Since the beginning she’s gotten a bottle at night to deliver her meds and vitamins. Even after 6ozs she wants to nurse to sleep….and I really hope (I would pray if I believed in that sort of thing) that it continues.

I love how she holds onto me at night and drifts off to sleep. I’m just not ready to give that up. I don’t even want to think about how I’m going to explain why we’ve stopped to those nosey people I call family.

Why did everything have to be so hard? I really need a break soon! All I wanted to do was breastfeed my baby girl for a year. I am sad….

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